If you’re a Pink Visual fan, then you know that we are all about lending a helping hand when one is needed. Whether it is donating to charities like Trees for the Future, drumming up support for the disaster-stricken Gulf Coast, or providing sound advice to troubled celebrities (and/or quasi celebrities).
It is along the lines of that last example that our President, Allison Vivas, has penned an open letter to misanthropic network sitcom malcontent Charlie Sheen, the text of which you can find below, or click here to read in its full PDF-imparted glory.
If only Charlie weren’t so clearly immune to words of advice, this might actually do him some good to read. 
Dear Charlie,
Given your fame and well-known proclivity for partying with porn stars, it is an absolute certainty that Vivid Entertainment will soon be offering you a job, and/or payment for anything that can be described as remotely resembling a “sex tape” that you might have made over the course of your adult life, if they have not done so already.
Please, Charlie, for the love of all that is sacred, you must reject that offer.
Now, I’m sure you think what will follow is the usual glut of reasons why a person shouldn’t release a sex tape or start a career in porn – it will embarrass your family and friends, end your career as a ‘legitimate’ entertainer, diminish your perceived sexual prowess when you can’t ‘finish’ on camera, or what have you – but while one or more of these things might be true, none of the above is among the reasons why I’m imploring you to NOT do porn.
No, the reason why I’m pleading with you to resist the temptation to accept the inevitable offer from Vivid is that I just don’t think you’re “leading man material” in a porn context.
You see Charlie, being a male porn star is nothing like being the top name on the marquee of a trite, tired, inane, painfully unfunny hack-job of a network sitcom. Among other things:
• Male porn stars have to be able to set aside their egos and work together in incredibly close proximity, because in a porn context, “two-and-a half-men” is what you’ll find inside of a female porn star at any given moment.
• Male porn stars have to actually show up for work. Porn companies can’t afford to delay production for six months while performers ‘self-rehab’ on a tropical island.
• Male porn stars have to bring their ‘A Game’ to the set, every day, no matter how much crack they’ve smoked the night before. When a scene calls for a male porn star to burst, he can’t afford to drizzle, because he doesn’t get dozens of takes to nail it right.
• Male porn stars cannot afford to have a problem with the other male talent around them being circumcised.
In short, Charlie, while it’s all well and good to enjoy yourself and party like a porn star, you should leave the actual pornstar-ing to the professionals. When Steve Hirsch calls, just tell him that you’ve thought it over, but that Vivid’s work is just a little too tame for you, so you need to get back to where the real sleaze is: Hollywood.
Best regards,
Allison Vivas
President, Pink Visual (www.pinkvisual.com)
PS: Please return Bree Olsen home ASAP so she can get back to work; a nation of rosy-palmed perverts is sick with concern for the poor girl!
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Thanks for starntig the ball rolling with this insight.